One of the things I hear surprisingly often when I’m chatting with couples is: “We want to do it… we just don’t really know why.”
And usually, they’re talking about a tradition, not because they love it. Not because it feels particularly important. Just because somewhere along the way it’s become part of the picture of what a wedding is supposed to look like. Which makes sense.
Most of us arrive at wedding planning with years of other people’s weddings stored away in our heads. Family weddings. Friends’ weddings. Films. TV. Social media. We’ve absorbed countless versions of “how it’s done” without really noticing. So when we start planning our own, it’s easy to assume that tradition and meaning are the same thing. But they’re not always.
The comfort of tradition
Traditions survive for a reason. They’re familiar. They connect us to people who came before us. They create shared experiences. They can bring a sense of occasion and belonging. Sometimes they carry memories, culture, family history or faith.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with tradition. In fact, some couples find enormous comfort in it.
The problem isn’t tradition itself. The problem is when something ends up in your ceremony by default rather than by choice.
Meaning tends to feel different
Meaning is often quieter. It doesn’t always arrive wrapped up in centuries of history or come with a recognised place in the running order. Sometimes it’s a story that perfectly captures your relationship. Sometimes it’s a private joke that makes the two of you grin every time it’s mentioned. Sometimes it’s choosing a particular reading because it reminds you of someone you love. Sometimes it’s deciding not to include something because it doesn’t feel right.
Meaning doesn’t have to be grand. It just has to feel true.
The question that changes everything
When couples feel stuck, I often find myself coming back to one simple question: Why this?
Why this reading? Why this ritual? Why this tradition? Why this particular moment?
Not because I’m trying to persuade anyone to remove things. Quite the opposite, actually. Sometimes asking “why?” helps people realise just how much something means to them.
Other times, it highlights that they’re only including it because they think they’re supposed to. And that’s useful information too.
You’re allowed to keep it
This is the bit I think gets lost sometimes. Questioning a tradition doesn’t mean rejecting it. You don’t get bonus points for having the most unusual ceremony. If a tradition genuinely matters to you, keep it. If it feels connected to your family, your culture, your values or your story, wonderful.
But if something feels uncomfortable, confusing or oddly disconnected from who you are, you’re allowed to adapt it. Or replace it. Or leave it out altogether.
The ceremonies people remember
After years of standing alongside couples, I’ve noticed something. Guests rarely leave talking about how perfectly a ceremony followed convention. What they remember is how it felt. Whether the couple looked comfortable. Whether the words sounded genuine. Whether there were moments that made them laugh, cry or recognise something real about the people standing in front of them.
The ceremonies that stay with people aren’t necessarily the most traditional. They’re the ones where everything feels like it belongs. Sometimes that includes lots of tradition. Sometimes very little. Most often, it’s a mixture of both.
And that’s usually where the magic lives. Not in doing things because they’re expected. But in choosing them because they mean something.